Mall Adjusted
I'll bet you didn't know you needed advice on shopping from a large, grumpy old guy, but there are a fews things I can share with you to make this year's holiday spending excursions a bit less stressful, maybe even enjoyable. To prove my qualifications, here is a short list of the types of direct-to-consumer environments I've found myself in at various times in my life: retail grocery, three camera stores, consumer electronics, men's suits, big ticket consumer electronics and big-box home improvement. Weaved into that matrix of twelve hour days is an on-again, off-again stint as a carpenter and contractor. I've sold everything from dime packs of Juicy Fruit and Nikon cameras to $75,000 home theater systems.
The great difference with shopping today and the shopping trips of years past is the venue. When I was a kid, we just hopped on the 12th Street bus and rode downtown and shopped. After the obligatory hint-dropping side-trip to Joe Falk Toys, my mom would make the loop up Walnut and down Main, ticking items off her list as she went. The stores, department and specialty alike, were all staffed by adults who went out of their way to try and make your shopping trip productive, if not enjoyable. By the time we got back to 12th Street, we were lugging several large shopping bags back onto the bus and headed for home. Fa la la la la.
Today the closest you can come to a vibrant downtown shopping experience is the ubiquitous Giganto-Mall. The stores there are all staffed by kids around the age of six, and their reason for living seems to be their lunch break at the food court or the cute girl that just started working at the piercing kiosk. Your happiness probably doesn't figure in.
So how can you make your trip into the Fourth Ring of Shopping Hell a little less miserable?
First of all, relax. Try to find a time to shop when you're not hurried, when you can take the time necessary to build slowly to a credible nervous breakdown. If you're headed to the mall, be prepared to walk a bit, and don't circle the lot looking for a close-in parking spot. Take a space a bit father out, and walk off a bit of the tonnage you're going to put on between Thanksgiving and the Rose Bowl Game. Most incidents of parking lot road rage take place close to the mall. Wednesdays are the least busy shopping days. A number of retailers are open till all hours, and make it fairly easy to shop off-peak. it's also a people watching opportunity on a par with casinos or the road show of "Night of The Living Dead" - the expressions are just as hollow, the look of desperation is universal.
Next, do your homework. If you walk into one of those monstrously huge, mind-meltingly noisy electronics superstores and ask the salesperson, "I don't know anything about plasma or LCD TVs, what's the difference between all these?" as you point to an acre of giant screens all playing the same action-adventure movie at Richter-scale volume, you can expect to be ridiculed and treated as a clueless victim. You can also expect to stand there for a long time, listening to a fourteen year-old who has grown up with computer technology trying to explain all this to you in terms you can begin to understand, starting with "Does your house have electricity?' Information is power. There is limitless information on nearly every product online, and if you feel you just have to turn the key in the family wagon, your local library will happily show you how to look up consumer product information. Once you've decided what products suits your needs and fits your budget, you can march, with your head held high, right up to that salesperson and ask them how long the exact product you want will be backordered.
Speaking of computers, shopping online is no longer the sole domain of software billionaires and under-socialized recluses. Many brick-and-mortar retailers maintain robust online storefronts, and actually prefer you to shop there. It costs them less, and many times you can save money by doing business online. If you're concerned about credit card fraud, be comforted in the knowledge that you're at a much greater risk of having your identity stolen at the local gas station or restaurant than at an online shopping site. Added bonus - you can shop in your underwear at three in the morning, if that sort of thing pleases you. DO NOT try this at the local big-box store. Trust me on this.
Be flexible. If your nephew wants the latest, greatest turbo-charged game cube system, be prepared to disappoint him. Product launches this time of year are almost always over-hyped and under-delivered. Have an alternate plan that includes gift cards, the sure-fire gift of socks and underwear, or the clever diversionary tactic of stalling until the prized product is available next July. (I've found that faking amnesia works pretty well. Backup plan: quarantine signs.)
Above all, remember that although it seems an insurmountable task, shopping, like a journey of a thousand miles, proceeds one step at at time, often accompanied by fortune cookie platitudes.
One last thing. Many of us are just one corporate decision away from working at the mall. The people who are working retail, waiting tables, wrapping gifts and answering help lines are decent people, working hard to try and make their way in the world. They're really on your side. The typical retail salesperson can easily work fifty hours or more a week, and a smile of empathy in their direction may not make your shopping experience any less stressful, but you'd be surprised how far a little mutual respect goes in keeping their mood elevated and yours relaxed. Don't forget to "Fa la la" every once and awhile.
The great difference with shopping today and the shopping trips of years past is the venue. When I was a kid, we just hopped on the 12th Street bus and rode downtown and shopped. After the obligatory hint-dropping side-trip to Joe Falk Toys, my mom would make the loop up Walnut and down Main, ticking items off her list as she went. The stores, department and specialty alike, were all staffed by adults who went out of their way to try and make your shopping trip productive, if not enjoyable. By the time we got back to 12th Street, we were lugging several large shopping bags back onto the bus and headed for home. Fa la la la la.
Today the closest you can come to a vibrant downtown shopping experience is the ubiquitous Giganto-Mall. The stores there are all staffed by kids around the age of six, and their reason for living seems to be their lunch break at the food court or the cute girl that just started working at the piercing kiosk. Your happiness probably doesn't figure in.
So how can you make your trip into the Fourth Ring of Shopping Hell a little less miserable?
First of all, relax. Try to find a time to shop when you're not hurried, when you can take the time necessary to build slowly to a credible nervous breakdown. If you're headed to the mall, be prepared to walk a bit, and don't circle the lot looking for a close-in parking spot. Take a space a bit father out, and walk off a bit of the tonnage you're going to put on between Thanksgiving and the Rose Bowl Game. Most incidents of parking lot road rage take place close to the mall. Wednesdays are the least busy shopping days. A number of retailers are open till all hours, and make it fairly easy to shop off-peak. it's also a people watching opportunity on a par with casinos or the road show of "Night of The Living Dead" - the expressions are just as hollow, the look of desperation is universal.
Next, do your homework. If you walk into one of those monstrously huge, mind-meltingly noisy electronics superstores and ask the salesperson, "I don't know anything about plasma or LCD TVs, what's the difference between all these?" as you point to an acre of giant screens all playing the same action-adventure movie at Richter-scale volume, you can expect to be ridiculed and treated as a clueless victim. You can also expect to stand there for a long time, listening to a fourteen year-old who has grown up with computer technology trying to explain all this to you in terms you can begin to understand, starting with "Does your house have electricity?' Information is power. There is limitless information on nearly every product online, and if you feel you just have to turn the key in the family wagon, your local library will happily show you how to look up consumer product information. Once you've decided what products suits your needs and fits your budget, you can march, with your head held high, right up to that salesperson and ask them how long the exact product you want will be backordered.
Speaking of computers, shopping online is no longer the sole domain of software billionaires and under-socialized recluses. Many brick-and-mortar retailers maintain robust online storefronts, and actually prefer you to shop there. It costs them less, and many times you can save money by doing business online. If you're concerned about credit card fraud, be comforted in the knowledge that you're at a much greater risk of having your identity stolen at the local gas station or restaurant than at an online shopping site. Added bonus - you can shop in your underwear at three in the morning, if that sort of thing pleases you. DO NOT try this at the local big-box store. Trust me on this.
Be flexible. If your nephew wants the latest, greatest turbo-charged game cube system, be prepared to disappoint him. Product launches this time of year are almost always over-hyped and under-delivered. Have an alternate plan that includes gift cards, the sure-fire gift of socks and underwear, or the clever diversionary tactic of stalling until the prized product is available next July. (I've found that faking amnesia works pretty well. Backup plan: quarantine signs.)
Above all, remember that although it seems an insurmountable task, shopping, like a journey of a thousand miles, proceeds one step at at time, often accompanied by fortune cookie platitudes.
One last thing. Many of us are just one corporate decision away from working at the mall. The people who are working retail, waiting tables, wrapping gifts and answering help lines are decent people, working hard to try and make their way in the world. They're really on your side. The typical retail salesperson can easily work fifty hours or more a week, and a smile of empathy in their direction may not make your shopping experience any less stressful, but you'd be surprised how far a little mutual respect goes in keeping their mood elevated and yours relaxed. Don't forget to "Fa la la" every once and awhile.
